The Masochism Tango The Directors Cut
by Ronni-Chan
Summary: Xellos sings a strange song to a special someone! You will just have to read to find out what I mean! Also, it didn't upload right, please excuse how it looks!


Authors Notes: Hello. Welcome to The Masochism Tango: The Directors Cut. Yeah, yeah I know what you're thinking. Why remake it, it was perfect the first time. You are thinking that right? Right???? No matter. Not only have I included the original story but I have made IMPROVEMENTS!!! Yay, improvements. So I hope you enjoy this new edition. Those who never saw the first one, well alas it is gone. When I removed it from FF.Net do the renovations, I uh accidentally uh deleted the original. I only have a printout of it. This means I had to retype the entire thing from scratch and the original is in the new one anyway so....I am babbling now I will stop now. Anyway enjoy!  
  
Additional notes: The songs belong to Tom Lehrer except for the fish song (don't ask just read) who belongs to I have no idea but I did get it off of the Doctor Demento cd. And of course Slayers belong to.....you know I really, really aught to start paying attention to the people who make this stuff....someone. All I know is that I DON'T own them (sob). Well, anyway it is time to stop boring you and to get on with the fic!  
  
THE MASOCHISM TANGO (THE DIRECTORS CUT)  
  
(Note: The song lyrics are all in caps)  
  
"Are we there yet?" "No" (Pause) "Are we there yet?" "No!" ".......Are we...." "Fireball!!!!!" "Ow" Lina Inverse stepped over the charred Gourry to take a look at their surroundings. The group (consisting of Lina, Gourry, Amelia, and Zelgadis) had been traveling all day in their quest to find a cure for Zel. "Oh." said Lina, looking to the west. "I was wrong I guess." She then put her hand on the back of her head and laughed. "We are there." 'There' was the inn they were to stay at for the evening. Even though Zel could have kept going, Lina would surely fireball him if he tried it so he decided it was in his best interests to stay at the inn as well. Finally after checking in and consuming all of the inn's food, Lina, Zel, Gourry and Amelia turned in for the evening.  
  
Meanwhile.....a lone figure stood outside the inn, blending into the shadows. He smiled. He was going to have so much fun. He then suddenly disappeared.  
  
Lina woke with a start. She had been dreaming that a giant chicken was chasing her, claiming that since she kept eating chickens that the chickens had a right to eat her. She shook her head and tried to stand up. She got halfway up and then fell back into her chair. Chair? she thought. She looked around at her surroundings. She was sitting at a table with a chain around her leg that was then attached to the chair. Across the room was a giant stage with a microphone in the middle and a middle aged man singing "That's Why They Call It The Blues" to a stoned looking audience. Then she heard a groan.  
  
Zel: Ugh. What happened? (he blinks and looks around) Um...is this what I think it is?  
  
Lina: Yep. And I can give you one guess as to who is behind this.  
  
Zel & Lina: Xellos.  
  
Zel: That *&#$% fruitcake.  
  
"That's my line"  
  
(Lina and Zel looked to their right and gasped)  
  
Lina: VALGARV????  
  
Val: That stupid Xellos. I was in the middle of trying to find a new weapon to use to destroy the world when he just pops in and transports me to this....this.....  
  
Amelia: Um.....are we at a....a....  
  
Zel & Lina: Karaoke bar.  
  
Amelia: Yeah, that's it.  
  
Filia: Ahhh! What are you all doing here at my tea shop?  
  
Amelia: We aren't at your tea shop Ms. Filia. Xellos kidnapped us all and brought here to this.....this.....  
  
Lina, Zel, & Valgarv: Karaoke bar.  
  
Amelia: Yeah, that's it.  
  
(Suddenly a tall figure with purple hair loomed over the group)  
  
Xellos: Well, well. Fancy meeting you all here.  
  
Lina: Fancy my foot!  
  
Valgarv & Zel: What are you up to Xellos?  
  
Valgarv: Hey! That was my line.  
  
Zel: No, I normally say that.  
  
Filia: It doesn't matter who is supposed to say it. Mr. Xellos, kindly return us all home right now!  
  
Xellos: (Taps his fingers against his chin, looking deep in thought) Ummmm.....no.  
  
Valgarv and Zel: Why you.....  
  
Zel: Hey, stop copying me.  
  
Valgarv: Me copying you? I hated Xellos before you were even dirtying diapers and screaming for your mommy.  
  
Lina & Amelia: Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!  
  
Zel: Shut up! (slumps in his chair and sulks)  
  
Gourry: Ugh. Did anyone get the number of that horse and carriage?  
  
(Everyone face faults)  
  
(Five minutes pass)  
  
Gourry: Um, why are we here again?  
  
Zel: I think the place we're in would give you a clue. (Sarcastically) Oh, forgot who I was talking to sorry.  
  
Xellos: Well, I am on next so your questions will soon be answered. (Grabs a bowl of popcorn from the bar) This should keep you occupied till then.  
  
(Lina reaches across the table and grabs a handful of popcorn before Gourry can eat it all)  
  
Lina: I still don't know why you had to drag all of us here to hear you sing.  
  
Xellos: It's not as if you had anything else to do Lina-San.  
  
(Zelgadis crosses his arms across his chest and glares murderously at Xellos)  
  
Zel: Well I did. I could be following that lead I have on the Clare Bible!  
  
Xellos: You, most of all, need a break Zelly.  
  
(Zelgadis swings his fist a Xellos, missing as Xellos ducks out of hitting range)  
  
Zel: Don't EVER call me Zelly you fruitcake.  
  
Valgarv: You swing like girl. No wonder you never beat Xellos.  
  
Lina, Amelia & Filia: EXCUSE ME??  
  
Zel: (growls at Valgarv) Just try me.  
  
Xellos: Now, now children.  
  
(The current singer finishes and a neon sign flashes the number 66)  
  
Xellos: Well, that's me. Wish me luck.  
  
Filia, Lina, Zel: In your dreams Xellos.  
  
Valgarv: Screw you, Xellos.  
  
Xellos: Maybe next time.  
  
(Xellos takes the microphone from the karaoke attendant and smiles at the audience, which consists of Lina Gourry, Zelgadis, Amelia, Filia, Valgarv and a bunch of guys trying to impress their dates with their singing.)  
  
Xellos: This is a very special song to me and I want to dedicate it to someone very dear to me.  
  
Gourry: Who are you dedicating it to Xellos?  
  
Xellos: (Smiles and holds up his index finger) Sore wa himitsu desu! You are going to have to figure it out yourselves. (clears throat) Music Maestro!  
  
(The attendant rolls his eyes and starts up the music)  
  
(Tango music starts up.)  
  
Lina: A tango?  
  
Xellos: (Singing in a baritone voice that makes the fangirls swoon and faint) I ACHE FOR THE TOUCH OF YOUR LIPS DEAR BUT MUCH MORE FOR THE TOUCH OF YOUR WHIPS DEAR  
  
(Lina makes a strangled choking sound. Amelia slaps her a few times on the back.)  
  
YOU CAN RAISE WELTS LIKE NOBODY ELSE AS WE DANCE TO THE MASOCHISM TANGO.  
  
Zel: (shakes his head) We should have seen that coming.  
  
LET OUR LOVE BE A FLAME, NOT AN EMBER SAY ITS ME THAT YOU WANT TO DISMEMBER  
  
Filia, Lina, Zel & Valgarv: It's you we want to dismember.  
  
Valgarv: Let me loose and I will give you all the dismemberment you want.  
  
(Filia, Lina, Zel & Amelia all attempt to scoot their chairs as far away from Valgarv as they possibly can.)  
  
BLACKEN MY EYE, SET FIRE TO MY TIE  
  
Gourry: Xellos wears ties? (Gets punched by Lina)  
  
AS WE DANCE TO THE MASOCHISM TANGO.  
  
(Zelgadis attempts to stand but Lina yanks him back down into his seat)  
  
Lina: If I have to sit through this, you have to sit through this.  
  
(Zel grumbles)  
  
Valgarv: What's the matter sissy boy? Squeamish?  
  
Zel: (growls) You're lucky I don't have my sword with me.  
  
Valgarv: (smirks) Why? Think you can make sashimi out of me?  
  
Zel: Why you....RA TIL...  
  
Lina: (covers Zel's mouth with her hand) Don't let him bait you. Cause if you do.....I am gonna Dragon Slave your butt all the way to HFIL (R-C: Sorry...bad Funimation DBZ joke....won't happen again).  
  
Zel: .........(nods).  
  
AT YOUR COMMAND, BEFORE YOU HERE I STAND MY HEART IS IN MY HAND  
  
(Xellos disappears and quickly reappears with a still beating heart in his hand)  
  
Filia: ECCH (R-C again...this is in the song but I didn't think Xellos would say it so Filia is)  
  
Lina: I wonder where he got the heart from.  
  
Zel: Don't you mean who he got the heart from?  
  
Valgarv: Well it's certainly not his.  
  
(Nods from all around)  
  
IT'S HERE THAT I MUST BE.  
  
MY HEART ENTREATS, JUST HEAR THOSE SAVAGE BEATS  
  
(Holds up beating heart)  
  
AND GO PUT ON YOUR CLEATS AND COME AND TRAMPLE ME.  
  
Filia: (starts looking around)  
  
Lina: What are you looking for Filia?  
  
Filia: A pair of cleats so I can trample him.  
  
YOUR HEART IS HARD AS STONE OR MAHOGANY THAT'S WHY I'M IN SUCH EXQUISITE AGONY.  
  
Lina: Heart of stone? He must be talking about you, Zel.  
  
Zel: (shudders) Don't even joke about that.  
  
Valgarv: (smirks....again) Why not? I think you two would make a perfect couple.  
  
Zel: Grrrrrr......that's it!  
  
Lina: ZEL!  
  
Zel: .............(sigh).  
  
MY SOUL IS ON FIRE, IT'S AFLAME WITH DESIRE WHICH IS WHY I PERSPIRE WHEN WE TANGO.  
  
(Xellos disappears again and quickly reappears. Instead of a heart he is now holding a pair of castanets. He then begins to play the castanets......badly!)  
  
Gourry: Make him stop. Make him stooooop!  
  
(Amelia begins to mutter about the injustice of it all.)  
  
Valgarv: That's it! That's the secret weapon I have been searching for. Now this world will be finished!  
  
(Gourry reaches into his pocket and takes out some earplugs which he then inserts into his ears.)  
  
Gourry: Huh? What did you say?  
  
Valgarv: Or maybe not.  
  
Zel, Lina, Amelia & Filia: ............(shake their heads).  
  
YOU CAUGHT MY NOSE...IN YOUR LEFT CASTANET LOVE I CAN FEEL THE PAIN YET LOVE, EVERY TIME I HEAR DRUMS.  
  
AND I ENVY THE ROSE, THAT YOU HELD IN YOUR TEETH LOVE WITH THE THORNS UNDERNEATH LOVE STICKING INTO YOUR GUMS.  
  
(Amelia blanches and starts looking a bit green in the face)  
  
YOUR EYES CAST A SPELL THAT BEWITCHES THE LAST TIME I NEEDED TWENTY STICHES  
  
Xellos: (starts to remove pants) Wanna see the scar?  
  
Everyone: NO!!!!!!!!  
  
Xellos: (resumes singing)  
  
TO SEW UP THE GASH YOU MADE WITH YOUR LASH AS WE DANCED TO THE MASOCHISM TANGO.  
  
(Everyone shakes their head in disbelief)  
  
BASH IN MY BRAIN, MAKE ME SCREAM WITH PAIN THEN KICK ME ONCE AGAIN  
  
Lina, Filia & Zel: We'd be more than happy to.  
  
Valgarv: I can start right now if you want.  
  
AND SAY WE'LL NEVER PART  
  
Lina, Filia & Zel: Never mind.  
  
Valgarv: Hell no.  
  
I KNOW TOO WELL, I'M UNDERNEATH YOUR SPELL SO DARLING IF YOU SMELL SOMETHING BURNING IT'S MY HEART.  
  
Everyone: What heart?  
  
(HICCUP) SCUSE ME.  
  
TAKE YOUR CIGARETTE FROM ITS HOLDER AND BURN YOUR INITIALS IN MY SHOULDER.  
  
Zel: Cigarette? Maybe he's referring to Xelas?  
  
(Xelas pops in from Wolf Pack Island and throws her cigarette holder at Zel, hitting him on the back of his head, and then disappears)  
  
Zel: Or maybe not.  
  
Valgarv: Xelas! Get back here you @&%$*  
  
Amelia: Excuse me, Valgarv-san? Has anyone told you lately that you have some serious issues?  
  
Valgarv: None that have lived.  
  
Amelia: .................Never mind then.  
  
FRACTURE MY SPINE AND SWEAR THAT YOUR MINE AS WE DANCE TO THE MASA (pause) CHISM TANGO!  
  
(The music stops and Xellos takes a bow.)  
  
Xellos: Well? What did you all think?  
  
(Everyone is silent. Of course, Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, Amelia, Filia and Valgarv were the only ones still in the room. Everyone else had vacated the premises when Xellos had appeared with the heart.)  
  
Amelia: That was very...um...interesting Xellos-san.  
  
Zelgadis: (shaking his head) Fruitcake.  
  
Lina: ..............(probably the first time in her life she has been speechless)  
  
Gourry: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.  
  
Valgarv: No wonder you wiped out all of the Golden dragons. You probably figured if they heard you sing, they would wipe you out first.  
  
(Xellos disappears and reappears behind Filia.)  
  
Xellos: (Whispering in Filia's ear) And what did you think Filia-chan? It's your opinion I really want.  
  
Filia: What do you mean my...wait...you mean (blushes) I was the one you dedicated that...that...whatever to? (blushes deeper) You....you.....NAMAGOMI!!  
  
(Filia grabs her mace from under her shirt and hits Xellos with it, knocking him across the room and into the wall.)  
  
Xellos: Itai. (He rubs the back of his head and then smiles his Sore wa himitsu desu smile) She liked it!  
  
THE END!  
  
Ronni-chan: Well, I hope you liked the fic. I hope you liked the song too. I know I got a kick out of it.  
  
Lina: Is this really considered music? (Looks at CD casing) I mean really...."The Time Warp"? What kind of song is that?  
  
R-C: Um....a weird one. I would really rather not go into details (shudders at distant memories).  
  
Gourry: Can I see the CD?  
  
R-C: (Hands CD to Gourry) Sure Gourry. These songs would probably be right up your alley.  
  
Zel: (Holding up second CD....It's a two CD set) Hey Lina! I found a song that would be perfect for you and Gourry.  
  
Lina: (Blushes) You...you did?  
  
Zel: Yeah, it's called "Eat It".  
  
Lina: FIREBALL!  
  
R-C: Aaaaahhh! Lina, you fried my CD. And it wasn't mine, it was my sister's. Oh, she is going to kill me.  
  
Gourry: Hey everyone. Listen to the song I found (In a sing-songy type of voice) Fish heads fish heads, rolly polly fish heads. Fish heads fish heads eat them up YUM!  
  
Lina: You jellyfish brains (proceeds to beat Gourry into a fish head).  
  
R-C: Uh, well I guess that's the end. I hope you enjoyed this Directors Cut. (shameless plug) And if you haven't already, please go check out my other fic "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park". And no, I will not be doing a directors cut of that one. So don't ask ( Bye! (Goes off to help Zel pry Lina off of Gourry). 


End file.
